


we make our mistakes

by fillertexted



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Misgendering, Misunderstandings, Nonbinary Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 20:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6871549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fillertexted/pseuds/fillertexted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection/Of a coward that you and I both hate very much</p>
            </blockquote>





	we make our mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> me?? very clearly pushing my problems onto characters as a very transparent attempt to cope?? haha what are you talking abt..  
> anyways enjoy this messy af vent fic

It wasn’t on purpose. They  _ knew _ it wasn’t on purpose. It  _ couldn’t _ be on purpose, they hadn’t told anyone. Anyone that mattered, in any case. Why were they still getting upset? They roughly scrubbed a wrist across their watering eyes, pace quick.

 

Why couldn’t they ignore it? Being misgendered usually rolled off like water off a duck’s back, they had practice in making winces internal, were skilled in forever holding comments on the tip of their tongue, desperate to be heard, terrified to tell. What was  _ wrong?  _ They forced themselves to walk faster.

 

They knew everyone must be confused. People normally don’t become ashen-faced before rushing away without a word and with no discernible reason. This was not a good reason. This was barely a reason at all. God, they were so  _ stupid. _ Why couldn’t they just stop being so sensitive? 

 

They had already gotten everyone to use their last name, no gender connotations there. Why wasn’t that  _ enough?   _ It should be enough. It  _ had  _ to be. What went  _ wrong _ today?

 

Maybe it was because they had woken up feeling more tired than they had been going to bed, eyes irritated and puffy, eyelids scratchy and irritated, limbs weighted and vaguely unresponsive, a phenomenon which had been happening more and more frequently. Maybe it was because when they finally managed to physically roll out of their bed with a less than elegant thump on the floor, their phone buzzed, and an overwhelming sense of annoyance flooded them, and it only grew as the buzzing continued. 

 

Maybe it was because the irritation quickly soured into guilt and dread when they snatched their phone from the bedside table and scanned the texts confirming the get-together the squad had planned in advance a week ago, when everyone’s schedule had a free spot in between work and classes. Maybe it was because they had forgotten. 

 

They knew how to slap on a fake smile that brightened a room, knew how to give a fake laugh with enough conviction that even the most observant couldn’t tell the difference, knew how to keep themselves composed until they were away from public scrutiny and could break, themselves being the only company. They knew how to act fine.

 

Maybe it was because they ignored the way their hands shook, either from exhaustion or anxiety, a solid weight settling down on their chest, lump in their throat. Maybe it was because they ignored the way their eyes prickled slightly, nose and upper lip burning slightly, a clear sign they might actually cry if they didn’t get a hold of themselves. Maybe it was because they ignored the way their thoughts whirled around at breakneck speeds, too fleeting to actually make sense, chaotic enough to cause tension. Maybe it was because they ignored the warning signs.

 

They forced themself to respond, as enthusiastic as possible. Their hands shook wildly as they added a hesitant ‘ _ hey, ive got something ive been meaning to say’ _ at the end. They forced themself to get up, to get dressed, to become presentable. They forced themself out of their apartment, and drew in a deep breath. They could do this. They  _ wanted _ to do this. They  _ needed _ to do this.

 

They ignored the fact that it was a lie bigger than their identity. 

 

Somehow, they made it to the little cafe everyone agreed upon, standing beside the windows, able to see the joyous expressions on their friends’ faces. They could barely remember a second of the journey. Their heart rate jumped, too fast, ears hammering with the pulse. They wiped their sweaty palms against their jeans, pushed open the door, and smiled. They could do this. 

 

_ (They could not.) _

 

It all went downhill quickly. Excited cheers from the moment the moment everyone else saw them, a very enthusiastic pat on the back from Hercules that nearly sent them tumbling forwards into the table, following with a ‘ _ Lafayette, my main bro and hoe! How are you? _ ’. They smiled and ignored how they physically itched to correct him. A one armed hug from John, grin bright with excitement. They ignored the way they knew it was considered manly to hug that way. A crooked smile hung on their lips as they faced Alexander. He was practically bouncing in his seat, eyes blazing with some sort of powerful emotion, and he leaned forward, arms crossed on the small table, head ducked low. They couldn’t ignore Alexander's insatiable need for information. They were screwed.

 

“So, Laf, what did you want to say?”

 

“I bet he’s got a new special someone!”

 

“Or maybe he’s got something cool!”

 

“So? What’s going on?”

 

They were so, so,  _ so _ incredibly screwed. 

 

They couldn’t do this.

 

They couldn't  _ do this _ .

 

They fled.

**Author's Note:**

> im only out to one person irl and she misgenders me a lot and always making excuses and says shes trying or that its too hard to use my name and pronouns
> 
> so uh
> 
> thats a thing that makes my already shaky mental state even worse, and im avoiding my responsibilities too and thats not making anything better either but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
>  
> 
> hmu on tumblr: [fillertexted](http://fillertexted.tumblr.com)


End file.
